How are you all?
So as you know I'm doing a health and fitness on here just now and it wouldn't be fair to not mention mental health as it has such a impact on my life. I have been diagnosed with depression, panic attacks and anxiety.
I have been having more good days than bad lately, but when my bad day hit they can be quite destroying.
This in turn makes my attitudes to thing change a lot.
I have always been a worrier, I am a over analyser and worry about the smallest thing.
Unfortunately I have had a few huge things to think about lately and this is why I am trying to turn my life around with focuses on health and fitness.
I am on my own this week for the first time since my depression got really bad and I didn't want to continue. My now husband is away on his much deserved belated stag do. He has been my rock and to be honest I'm not sure how he stayed with me or married me two months ago.
Because I'm on my own my mind wanders back and forth to bad places.
All of which I have no control over.
Why does my family not want me?
Why am I not got enough for him?
Do people like me?
What if I never find any friends?
Why did I hate my "dream job"
Did I let her bully me?
Why am I not pretty?
These are just some of the questions that fall round and round and round in my head waiting for the answer which is, on a bad day very negative and on a good day I can control my thoughts. I realise that I am letting the past define me.
I was very lucky to find the blogging world as I have met so many lovely people through it.
I never started blogging expecting anyone to want to read what I say.
When I was young and I went through a life shattering event I would write songs and poems to try and get the pain out. Now I find I can talk to you and I feel better.
I know if you are not a sufferer of depression or anxiety you won't be able to quite understand how it feels and don't worry I don't run off cry if you make a depression joke.
I have found I need to make big changes in my life starting with cutting the negative people out and concentrating on what is good about my life and life in general. I will always be just me! And I need to find the inner strength to just be me.
My next post I will explain what helps me woth my depression and how I am slowly getting better.
Have you suffered with a mental illness?