#ProjectTEEN my rape
Tuesday 14 March 2017
I've been thinking about the post for a while. I have been very lucky and I am part of the amazing
Ella Stearn from theluckytruth.com campaign #projectTEEN. Click the links to learn more about this amazing campaign which tackles mental health in teen girls. I wish this had been about when I was younger. If you watch the video you will see I am in it and If you haven't followed me from the start you may not have known that This happened to me. So here is my story.
I was 16 it was Christmas day. I had been working all day in the local hotel and me and my friend decided to go out that night. I quickly got changed and headed up to hers. We had a few drinks and headed to the dance. At the time I had a boyfriend my first.
I was always on the outside of the popular group at school. My group of Friends at home were younger except for my older cousin. Let's call him Tim. Me and Tim got on so well. We grow up together our dads are twins and they did everything together. The only difference was my dad worked on one fishing boat and my uncle another. They did still have another business together. My granddad had given me his caravan to have in our garden me and my friends could hang out on cold nights. ( This will make sense later) He hated us hanging out in the village.
Back to Christmas, Tim bought me drinks all night I was so drunk I can't remember much about the night and what happened. I get flashs backs here and there, Of dancing or being outside with my Friends. I remember the lad from across the street telling me I was too drunk and he was going to walk me home. I had passed out a few times that night. So Tim followed on. Our house is quite a walk from the dance. Tim would never come to our house normally he lived in another village about 3 miles away.
I remember being in the caravan and telling Tim no Repeating it over and over. I remember the feeling of his weight on my body. I remember crying for my boyfriend to come save me. I remember a bit of the actual rape. My mind seems to have wiped this for a long time and slowly I have this creeping into my memory. I remember my head being sore and passing in and out of conciseness. I remember feeling scared and very confused.
Rape is a type of sexual assault initiated by one or more persons against another person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, or where the person is under threat or manipulation, or with a person who is incapable of valid consent. consent legislation
I woke up the next day in a haze. My clothes half on and half off. There were blood stains on the cream furnishing. I was bruised. My parent had enjoyed Christmas so didn't notice I was missing. We were a safe village and I used to stay at one of my friends a lot.
You would think this is where I told my parents and everything was Ok. No, I cried my eyes out that day. Even cleaning the caravan and myself so no traces could be found I could not get my head round this IT WAS TIM. My Friend my family. I must be wrong. this couldn't have happened. I put my clothes in the wash. They were filthy from the about of time I had fallen in the dirt I was that drunk.
I called one of my best friends at the time. He was understanding and confused we were a big friend group. I had lost my purse that night and he offered to go with me to see if we could find it. I cried a lot. I 100% new this must have been my fault. I really couldn't accept it. It went round my friends like wildfire. This was before text. I tried to carry on but I was struggling. I wanted to die. It consumed me. It was the only way out.
about a week later I bullied and pleaded with the boy who had walked me home to buy me a huge bar size bottle of Morgan spiced rum. Me and a couple of my friends sat in the caravan yes that caravan and I downed as much as I could. I wanted to die. A girl in the year about had nearly died from drinking too much. So I figured this would do it to me. I remember that night before I started to drink. One of my group told me to go to a kinda friends house only for Tim to walk in two minutes later They had organised it that way. The fear I felt was so really I am shaking writing this That was the nail in the coffin. Its time to drink.
I drank a lot of the huge bottle until I passed out. I woke to be sick with my Mum and confessing what had happened on Christmas night. I passed out and woke in the morning. I felt dread not relived. I felt panic fear I felt sick.
I could hear my Mum and dad and someone else downstairs sat around the kitchen table. Where all the trouble would start. I walked in to find my grandfather not ' but my Mums dad and my Mum discussing what I had said. I am not sure my Mum believed me. I know my grandfather did. my dad was so angry he wanted to kill Tim. I grew up in a small village and you may think its a bit hillbilly but local justice did still happen. Not killing but a good beating our two. I was worried dad would get in trouble. I still blamed myself. phone calls between family members then began. giving Tim plenty time to make a story up. I remember when my dad called his parent his Mum said she knew he did it. Of course, she changed this opinion but that was her initial reaction.
My granddad was adamant the police were called he had been a special constable and knew the law. Unfortunate the nearest female police officer was over 50 miles away and not on duty for a few days. So I lived in fear for days Not of Tim he had done what he had done but of what was going to happen. I was so worried about what people were saying about me.
One of the worst things I can remember was my Mum made me go to my granny's house. ( mine and Tims) I did not want to go. I did not want to leave the house. My granny screamed at me told me I was lying and I had wrecked the family.
Two of my Mums friends kept me alive the next few days. Without them, I would not be here. They explained things to me. I gave my statement to the police. It took hours and hours. they took my washed clothes I had been wearing but told me I had left it to long to report and washed all they evidence away. In interview, Tim changed his story multiple times but desired he had had consensual sex with me. So He had consensual sex with his first cousin. I have seen him as more of a brother than a cousin.
I was sent to my uncle's house in a town about 50 miles away with my best friend. She was my rock. She was younger but she was my strength. I was there a few days then had to go home. I was not coping. Not the rape its self but the aftermath consumed me. I felt lost and nearly everyone I loved though I was lying. Tim carried on as if nothing had happened.
I eventually went back to school. I was in 5th year and had exams I had to study for. I had to drop a lot of my classes as I just couldn't get anything else in my head. The school was rife with what had happened and I was bullied very badly as I was the girl who had cried rape on the popular Tim. The bullying was terrible. I felt ashamed I had told anyone. I felt alone as no one believed me. I had moments where I believed I must have been making it up in my head like some kind of mental break. I was not making it up. It happen.
I was offered counseling but it was 50 miles away and my Mum did not want to take me.
weeks and weeks past and eventually I got a letter from the crown service saying that they were not pursuing the case. it was not proven The police officer I had been seeing came round and explained that it was he said she said case but she had believed me and not proven does not mean not guilty. she believed it was we know you did it but we can't prove it in a court of law. The legal process was done. I had to live with the fact My rapist got no punishment. NOT ONE BIT. You would think this would have made me bitter towards the police force but this is not the case and how the police officers treated me is a huge reason why I became a police officer myself. I did not want this to happen to another person. The law has changed in Scotland and it is easier to bring rape cases to court than when this happened to me. I am really proud of our court system in Scotland. We are world leaders when it comes to sexual offices. We were the first country in the UK to recognize gay rape.
Report every RAPE! If you said NO it is Rape. If you change your mind and withdraw consent it is RAPE. If my story has any meaning it is that it will not break you. I am here it has been over 10 years I still think about it especially at Christmas. I do feel robbed of Christmas if I'm honest. But it has made me stronger, It has made me more open to people and their problems. I still find some things hard. its weird when I was a police officer working a rape case didn't bother me but for instance, I hate board church at the moment. It feels real. The police returned my clothes even the underwear I was wearing that night. My mother gave these to me. I felt this was the worst thing she had ever done it confirmed in my mind she had never believed me or understood the magnitude of what had taken place. Did she honestly think I wanted them back! WTF.
I truly believe this is where my family problems with my mother, father, and sister stem from. I broke the perfect little family. I do not speak to my mum dad and sister after the drama at my wedding and my life is so much better for it. Yes, you are probably thinking she is mad but I have removed the constant negativity from My Mum and Sister and I feel free and not constantly judged. It is hard to remove people you love and constantly want acceptance and love from but blood does not make you bonded.
My story is a hard one and yes it has affected me greatly but without it, I would not be here. I have a loving husband, in-laws and the best friends I could ask for. Who all accept me for me and would never go out of their way to hurt me. What I would say is get counseling. take any help you can. I was tortured by the fact my family did not believe my truth. BUT it was MY truth and I have come to accept it and it does not define me and will never define me again.
If you met me in a crowd, you would never pick me out as a victim and this is because I am no longer a victim. I am my own person I am human and I feel and I have bad days and good. But he will never control me again.
You will be wondering if I have ever seen him again? Yes at my other cousin's funeral. He looked weak and could not even look at me. He did not have the power that day and he will never have it from me. All I felt was pity for him and pity for his family. I will never forgive him. I am just not that person. In fact, I'm more of the Karma kind of person and believe that he will get his.
This Is going to be a series of post as this one is huge but wanted to get my story out.
Contact detail for Help.
rapecrisis.org.uk England and wales
I am always about if you need any one to talk to don't ever feel alone like I did.