I want to write this post today as I am struggling. I said it I am struggling. There are so many posts online about depression and what it's like and what you should feel. It is different for everyone. I have the best job, I work as a blogger I have a home and husband and my dogs but yet I am suffering.
Depression and me.
Today has been a normal day. Nothing exciting nothing overly stressful. But tonight I am hit with that feeling that only a person who has suffered from depression can know. I feel worried, alone and scared. There has been no trigger, There has been no change in my life. I have a stable home with a loving husband. I can feel myself spiralling.
What depression feels like.
It for me can be a lot of things. I am a natural-born worrier and I can get myself in a downward spiral. I will overthink things until I have had the same thought 100 times. I will analyse everything I have said to someone. I will analyse it to death. I still analyse things I did as a child and worry about people hating me. This, in turn, has me where I am tonight I am feeling low. I feel worthless and down. I am emotional and feel unworthy. I feel like no one loves or likes me. That I will always be an afterthought and I dont really matter. I feel like everyone I have ever had any contact with is judging me and hating me. Depression is not rational.
There are physical side effects. I feel pins and needle in my body. I get aches and pains. Headaches shivers, hot flashes. I over or undereat. I feel sick. I feel like I have run a marathon I am that tired. But with depression comes a lack of sleep or oversleeping. I can feel numb.
What I do to come out of this.
First, I acknowledge my feelings. I am allowed to feel down. I am accepting that this is happening. If I need to cry I will. There is no shame to tears. If there was why would cry happy tears. It is the body's response to emotions.
I write a list of things I am thankful for. This helps me put things into perspective. I like to write everything I can think off. Then I write what is worrying me and I ask myself if my friend said these to me what advice would I give. This really helps me get out of my spiral.
I care for my dogs. I know I do this every day but this helps me. My dogs do not care what I said to Emily 12 years ago nor do they care that I cut my family off. They just love me. They like the simple things like being brushed going for walks and cuddles. They are some of the best therapy.
I exercise. I jump on my indoor trainer and spin away from my worries. I either do a hard session or an easy one depending on what I feel like. there is something freeing about doing something physical and only concentrating on that. I put on music and sweat. I find this really rewarding and helps with my insomnia.
I drink, Water or juice. Never alcohol. Since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression I have hardly drunk. It messes with me. I get the worst hangover and the mental side of these can put me in a deep dark hole which can take weeks to get out of.
It is a well-known fact our body runs on water and we need it to function. Dehydration can affect our whole body and mental state so I like to reset and make sure I am fully hydrated.
I can sometimes find it hard to open up about my mental health. I am getting better with this. My husband has been a rock for me and to be honest He has really supported me through this illness. I have talked to my doctor and a therapist. We spend a lot of effort, keeping our body healthy but little effort for our mind. Why is that? We teach children it is good to talk yet when we are struggling we stay silent. That is not going to help. Talk to someone, anyone. Tell them what is happening. Talking is the first step to getting better.
Contact a professional a therapist or doctor. I have contacted both and receive help. It will take time to heal. If you are reading this and you are in a simpler place. If you take anything from this is get help. You are not alone. If I am feeling like this and you are then lots of people are. It is ok to not be ok. It is an ILLNESS. You are worth it and you deserve to feel better. You can get lots of help online and over the phone. It is ok to seek help this does not make you weak. This is you being strong and taking the first step to recovery.
If this post helps one person I have done my job. You are not alone and I am here.