Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Good bye 2013

Hi everyone 


How are you all? 

So this is my wee goodbye to one of the worst years of my life. 

If you don't like life updates don't read this one skip to the next post ...

This year has seen me battle panic attack and depression 
Panic attacks yip I had never really had them before this year. To be honest with you I thought I was dying when I had my first one. Now don't get me wrong I think if you don't suffer them you have no clue how they affect you. 

Like everyone I have felt sad and said I'm depressed but this is different. I am not myself I judge myself so harshly that it's crazy I would never judge anyone else like I do myself. There have been times this year where I wanted to die. Yip I went there. I felt the world would be a better place with out me in it.
With depression it's not just the mentle pain that is debilitating it's the physical pain that is also pretty bad it's like a flu sometimes, other times it's that my immune system is so low it catches every thing. 

Now I am by no means saying I have the worst life. I am blessed in many ways but this has been so unpleasant. If I am honest I have always been a over thinker I'm the friend who rings you after a night out paranoid that I have done or said something wrong. Even if I haven't I will beat my self up about even for years. Yip I have memory's of stupid things I have said or done that I like to torment myself with. 

So my problem started with being bullied at work for having dyslexia but I think she would have found any reason to bully me. I won't go in to this to much as I am getting legal help. But I worked really hard to get my job and and so disappointed in the way I was treated its 2013 right I have a disability why are you treating me like this. Now I am not perfect having dyslexia is a challenge but it really shouldn't have been a problem. I will in time tell you all where I work and what happened but for now I will keep my mouth shut. 



Now with my depression I feel so alone and to tell you the truth I have very little in the way of friends now as I can't really keep up with people. If you know me at all I'm a complete people pleaser and worry about what people think of me all the time. 


Then in the summer I decided to start this little blog. Now I never really did it for other people to read. I know your thinking what? But I did it for me to have a little space in my world I could share my love of make up and beauty and other things. I was so shocked when I got my 1st follower I really couldn't believe people wanted to hear from me. 
I have never come across so many nice people in my life. The blogging community has accepted me in to there world and I really made me feel honered to be involved. 

Now I try not to be doom and gloom on here but I think it's important to be up front with you all. 

Now let's say what has been good about 2013 

My puppy dog. In April we got Millie as I wasn't leaving the house at all. so we have wanted a dog for years and my fiancé decided it was the right time and we found my angel on gumtree. 

She was 1 and a few months when we got her and she makes me feel safe! And loved! 

My best friend had a gorgeous baby girl 
Now I am not a baby person but this little one has my heart and can make me cry for good reasons for a change. I'm so proud of my bestie she is so strong and a wonderful mother! 

Unfortunately I had to say good bye to my dear Ben 

Now if you are not a dog person you will be think oh my gosh this girl is crazy. 
But I lost a bit of my heart when he died and it was so unexpected that it hurt worse. 

Now let's come to Xmas day. I went home to my parents. Now I have a very weird relationship with them in that they don't really bother with me. I know they love me but they just don't really get involved with me which has always hurt as they are always there for my sister. I am 9 years older than her and we couldn't be more opposite she delights in putting me down and being horrid. It was my 30th this year she didn't even send me a card. And yes she can't forget my birthday as her is a week later. this really hurt as when I went up to see her a month later she spent ages showing me presents for her friends and asking what new clothes she should buy but couldnt send me a card. 

I made the mistake of telling my sister she was gorgeous and thin! Which meant I was calling her fat and she lost it with me. This ended in a blazing row in which I swore at my sister saying she was spoilt. (Which is unfortunately very true as my parent hand her money like its confetti) And my dad asked me to leave the house. My parents were both screaming at me. I was in floods of tears, Now as I said I people please! 

So I get married in 2014 and my mum and sister made a fuss in the wrong way about helping me pick my wedding dress "I'm so tired can we go?" "I need to get my eyebrow done"  " I'm not going to another shop "etc. I have dreamed that my wedding would bring my mum and me closer but nope no extra effort. 

My mum helped one of her friend through a hard time and I always got told how mum went down to Mary's house and how she helped Mary. Mary is so low I'm going to buy her something to cheer her up. But no help for me nothing to help her daughter "cheer up" I would have been happy with a phone call. 

All my family new about my depression and they never ever called to see how I am. If I wanted to see how they are I have to ring them, which is fine but then all I hear about is how bad they have it etc. now I don't mind this but just say "how are you" so it looks like they care. I got told during the argument to snap out of my depression and grow up! I wish it was that simple. If I'm honest I sometimes wondered how long it would take for them to contact me. It's lucky I have a amazing supportive fiancé coz if I died it be lalong time till some one noticed I was gone. 

So long and short,my family haven't spoken to me since. 



Which to some people this wouldn't be a big deal but I never fight with them and I never stand my ground. With my current job,which I am being forced out of,they did seem proud of me but that has now changed.  It's even things like I go home and there are photos of my sister everywhere and not one of me to be found. Now this wouldn't be so bad but I have given them photos of me framed and on canvas and still there is none. 

Now this has turned in to a epic post but I want to highlight how much my little blog has kept me going . I need to thank you all for your support and I have made some amazing friends which I am so greatful for as I felt I was the only one on the planet who felt this way.

I am looking forward to a more positive 2014 and a fresh start. 

I hope your 2013 was better than mine. 

Let's look to the future as the past is past. 

MissLJbeauty xoxox

8 comments :

Gemma | Miss Makeup Magpie 1 January 2014 at 03:02  

I'm so sorry Lor, you really have had a terrible time. I really, genuinely hope 2014 is going to be so much happier for you and full of positive moments for you to cherish. xxx

Lor Jay 1 January 2014 at 12:40  

Hay huni thanks for your comment

Carissa 1 January 2014 at 13:48  

ohh Lor, I am so sorry to hear what you have been through this year. Keep strong though and you will get through it, don't let others (like your family) bring you down & focus on those who make you feel better

I hope 2014 is a better year lovely <3 xx

Lor Jay 1 January 2014 at 18:21  

hi huni thanks for you comment i am looking forward to this year hopeful being alot less eventful
missljbeauty

Lauren S 1 January 2014 at 18:57  

Can relate to the family part of the post. I'm sure 2014 will be so much better. You're getting married!!
Can't wait to see all the pictures I'm sure you will look amazing. :) xo

hannah rosalie. 1 January 2014 at 23:07  

All through your depression/anxiety writing, you feel everything I do! I think things that have upset me/ i've messed up, from years ago and yet i still put myself down. It is not something we can just switch off, man I wish it was that easy. But through friendship, love and belief, we can only hope it gets better!
I am with you every step of the way Lor.
Just think, You are going to look stunning this your in your wedding dress and have the most amazing day! A new start for your own little family!

Lots of love

H xox

http://www.bloglovin.com/deathbycoco

Amy Connolly 2 January 2014 at 16:38  

Lots of love to you babe. 2014 will be your year, and i'll be here helping as much as I can.
xxx

kpsays 6 January 2014 at 08:14  

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