Today I want to share my mental health journey with you all. This month is mental health month and I have a few posts about mental health coming up. But first, it is time to share my own deeply personal road. Before I get into this. You are not alone. If like me you go through any kind of mental health issues. Please seek help.
I believe everyone has there own struggles and I am no different. If I am completely honest with you my mental health has always been a bit of an issue. I was bullied at school. I was the dyslexic kid. Looking back I tried far to hard to make friends. I would hang around with other kid who would bully me and call me names. I was a skinny little girl into dancing and singing. But I did well with. But singing I got bullied quite hard about. I think it was just something they could use about me as a target. I struggled at school. The girls who made my life hell were a year older than me. Even when they left to go to high school they would still get to me. I would cry a lot and pick holes in myself.
As you know I have had a troubled relationship with my parents and sister. Who I have completely cut out of my life know. My dad worked away from home and would only be home at the weekend. I used to count the days till he came home as I felt he got me more than my mother. I spent a lot of my childhood feeling unwanted. By my family and my friends. This was before the internet so having friends online was not a thing.
When I went to high school. I meet a new group of friends and things were better for a time. But the bullies still picked on me. I comfort ate. Bye bye thin and active help eating my feelings. Looking back I can now see that I needed help. I wish I had somewhere to turn at that time. I did try to tell my counsellor but they did very little to help.
I left school at 17. At 16 I had a very traumatic event but this is not for this post. I have written about this before and will again I am sure.
I moved to Edinburgh. I suffered from depression. To the point where I would spiral and not leave my room. I would close myself off as I thought the world would be a better place that way. I ate junk food and gained weight. I struggled with myself. I eventually met a great group of actors who I moved in with. I started to feel accepted in the world. That being different was ok. My demons still came and went but I was dealing with a lot.
Fast forward to my twenties. I loved to Inverness to study acting. I got into a very bad relationship for five years. I was slowly controlled and lost all my friends. This again could be a whole post. But long and short of it was. He cheated on me with a school girl. No Not joking. I crashed again. My mind was completely out with my control. I broke. My mind told me all the time I was not worth it and should no be in this world. I contacted the doctor. I was put on diazepam. I lived in isolation for a month.
Thank god I did have some good friends. Who picked me up and helped me. There was one girl. I meet through work, who when she heard about what happened bragged me out for some drinks. She will probably never know how much this meant to me at the time. She made me feel worth it. We had both left that job But I ended up working with her again. She will probably never know that this one act changed me. I ended up out with her a couple times. She gave me confidence. I was able to meet new people who seemed to want to talk to me. I had never had this before.
Fast forward a few years I meet my future husband and I get a really good job. I become a police officer. My life was looking up. I had everything I wanted. But life has a funny way of throwing a curveball, doesn't it? I was stationed tow and a half hours drive from my fiance. I know what you are thinking this is where the next problems arise. Nope, It wasn't our relationship, In fact, it was he who got me through what I am about to tell you.
I was bullied in the police and guess what about? My Dyslexia. When I first got out of police college I had the best tutor. He was a great man and really helped me. He has no issue with me taking longer to do things or needing extra spelling help. But he got a job with meant he could be closer to his family and left. I was given another tutor who bullied me rotten. To the point, I had a complete panic attack and meltdown. I was signed off with depression and anxiety. The police did very little to help me.
I did get CBT and was put on Prozac. I was signed off for a month and I was very ill I could not leave the house. My world was falling in on me. I received a councilling. I recommend seeking help with any struggles. I know I would not be here without the help and my gorgeous husband and dog Millie.
I went back to work. It is a very small station. I have switched teams and still got hassle from my collogue. One girl even told a pack of lies to the Sargent about me. I really hope these girls are happy with what they did to me. They broke me and I lost a job I was good at all because of there actions.
My husband who has been in the police for 10 years took a new placement to get me away from the situation. we moved to a small village and this is where my healing began. I feel so much better. I still take my tablets and have bad days but I feel so much more confident than I could ever have imagined in those dark days. I am a different person than who I was. I look back and can't really imagine the pain I was going through at the time. I would cry for hours and days. Have major panic attacks.
My husband bumped into my ex-tutor. The nice guy and he said he only heard after I had left. As he would have been more than happy to have spoken up for me. He was very sorry to have heard what had happened. But that the woman was a well know bitch. His words, not mine. Then I found out she had previously bullied one of my friend in Inverness.
But If all these life lessons and mental health issues had not happened to me I would not be the woman. I am now. I am strong. I am confident But I do still have mental health issues. I think People like me getting their story out there is the only way we can remove the stigma. There should be no stigma in asking for help. No matter what you are struggling with getting help see a counsellor.
I hope my story has helped you.